The Unwilling Step of Faith

Initially, I saw myself like Jonah, the unwilling prophet. I felt a nudge to do something, but was reluctant (Jonah 1:1-3). Then I asked for signs to confirm if I was really hearing from God and found myself resonating more with Gideon. The Gideon who kept asking for signs to confirm what God had called him to do.

Like Gideon, I was also disheartened by the current state of affairs of a certain group of people, and was waiting for someone to step up and fill in the gap. I didn’t expect it to be me.

Gideon said to Him, “O my lord, if the Lord is with us, why then has all this happened to us? And where are all His miracles which our fathers told us about, saying, ‘Did not the Lord bring us up from Egypt?’ But now the Lord has forsaken us and delivered us into the hands of the Midianites.”

Then the Lord turned to him and said, “Go in this might of yours, and you shall save Israel from the hand of the Midianites. Have I not sent you?”

Judges 6:13-14 (NKJV)

I found it unbelievable like Gideon, his clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and he is the least in his father’s house. I have the might? I am sent? Many people are more qualified than me, and I don’t have the authority nor resources, so I doubted if I had heard God and asked for signs.

God gave a good amount of words of encouragement through various sources, bible verses and other nudges to move forward in that direction of faith, but I asked for one more visible sign to confirm what I was hearing – like the fleece Gideon had asked for, or a prophetic word spoken directly to me by a third person.

So Gideon said to God, “If You will save Israel by my hand as You have said—  look, I shall put a fleece of wool on the threshing floor; if there is dew on the fleece only, and it is dry on all the ground, then I shall know that You will save Israel by my hand, as You have said.”

And it was so. When he rose early the next morning and squeezed the fleece together, he wrung the dew out of the fleece, a bowlful of water.

Then Gideon said to God, “Do not be angry with me, but let me speak just once more: Let me test, I pray, just once more with the fleece; let it now be dry only on the fleece, but on all the ground let there be dew.”

And God did so that night. It was dry on the fleece only, but there was dew on all the ground.

Judges 6:36-40 (NLT)

I didn’t get any. I just got another prompting to contact the people whose names were on my mind days ago. I brushed it off since I didn’t get the visible sign to proceed with that faith project. The timeline didn’t make sense to me either. I had rushed too many faith projects to see them crash and burn, and so I didn’t think this was going to work. However, the ongoing inner struggle seems to be taking a toll on my emotional and mental health and manifesting outwardly in my physical health as well.

Last Sunday, when I stepped into the church compound, I suddenly had an afterimage (which one gets when you continue to see an image after looking away from a bright light source, like the sun). Weird, because I didn’t even look into any bright light. I couldn’t shake it off and felt giddy. I went to the toilet, closed my eyes to rest, and saw a very bright light. I was reminded of the bright light Paul saw, but not so bright as to blind my eyes. The bright light was in the shape of a bean, and immediately I saw it as a baby in the womb – the dream conceiving.

I knew I had to do it. “Okay God, I would arrange to meet if I am well enough to attend church,” I said in the toilet. And as you might have guessed, I could soon see without the afterimage and bright light. I checked my calendar, thinking I wouldn’t have time to meet next week anyway. Lo and behold, because of my child’s school closure, I was able to make it on Monday. So I texted her and she replied fairly quickly that she could meet the next morning.

On Monday morning, I was apprehensive about the meeting. But in His grace, during my quiet time that morning, God gave me a Bible passage that I could fully identify with. Previously, I saw a little of myself like Jonah and Gideon, but it was Moses’ story that spoke fully to me – at least the passage from Exodus 3.

Moses was about his daily business when suddenly there was a burning bush. He stepped out of his daily routine and into God’s calling. And his doubt is the same as mine, “Who am I that I should go?” Verse 12 kind of answered my question about not having a sign before I proceed, because the sign will only come after I take the step of faith.

But Moses said to God, “Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh, and that I should bring the children of Israel out of Egypt?”

So He said, “I will certainly be with you. And this shall be a sign to you that I have sent you: When you have brought the people out of Egypt, you shall serve God on this mountain.”

Exodus 3:11-12 (NKJV)

And Matthew Henry’s commentary on Exodus 3:11-15 reminds me of my faith journey: “Formerly Moses thought himself able to deliver Israel, and set himself to the work too hastily. Now, when the fittest person on earth for it, he knows his own weakness. This was the effect of more knowledge of God and of himself. Formerly, self-confidence mingled with strong faith and great zeal, now sinful distrust of God crept in under the garb of humility.”

In my younger years, I was proud and hasty in fulfilling God’s calling in my life. Through years of moulding and knowing God, I am humbled to slow things down and relinquish my control to him. Yet pieces of my pride are still there, only now it’s cloaked in fake humility, focusing on my abilities and thus my weaknesses instead of God’s strength to make all things possible.

I write this piece even if it’s still raw, when I am still struggling with that step of faith, because I know someone else is also struggling or wrestling with God in the same way. Through years of broken dreams and unfulfilled promises, the fiery zeal had made way for doubts in self and God. The weariness through the years of fighting had made the body and soul too tired or lazy to be the player in the field, and would rather take the spectator stand. But I know the grace of God will carry us through, and I am holding on to this understanding of God in this season: He cares for you. 

casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.

1 Peter 5:7

Get updates on new posts and other happenings on Telegram, Instagram or Facebook. You can also subscribe to get email notifications of new posts. 🙂

Disclaimer: Shema-Rhema.com and its authors accept no liability (whether in tort or contract or otherwise) for any loss or damage arising from any use, misuse, inaccuracy or omission of the information or other contents published on this website.