Retreat into His Presence

I couldn’t take it anymore. My daily schedule and to-do list overwhelmed and suffocated me. I told my husband I needed to take a break before the June holiday’s flurry of activities hit. I was shortlisting places for my 3D2N personal retreat, which included Bintan, JB and Batam. I wanted a change of environment, and that meant out of Singapore. But none felt quite right, and in the end, I went with Lifesprings Canossian Spirituality Centre (“Lifesprings”). I hesitated initially because of its catholic roots and requirement for first timers at Lifesprings to have a spiritual director. Turns out, God knew what I needed at that moment.

At the end of the retreat, I was reluctant to leave. I had such a good time reading His Word, soaking in His presence, and getting lots of sleep. When I came home, it felt like I had gone to Narnia, fought an intense battle and became a changed person. However, as I stepped out of the cupboard and back to ‘reality’, everything else and people remained the same.

I now understand a little how people felt when they had a taste of heaven in their near-death experiences – not wanting to come back to earth, and a desire to return there. It truly felt that nothing satisfies except God. In the cocoon of His love and presence, the desire for the phone and material stuff just fell away without my conscious effort.

The Spartan room and simple home-cooked meals also pulled me back to a life of simple living. We really don’t need to want so many things when we have God. Things of the world can only satisfy us momentarily, before we thirst again for more. Jesus is indeed the living water that truly satisfies our thirst.

Jesus answered and said to her, “Whoever drinks of this water will thirst again, but whoever drinks of the water that I shall give him will never thirst. But the water that I shall give him will become in him a fountain of water springing up into everlasting life.”

John 4:13-14

I learned a few meditation methods from my Spiritual Director, Sister Marilyn – imaginative prayer and the prayer path of the Labyrinth. They helped me dive deep into His presence and His Word and hear from God. Also, for the first time in a long time, I read the Word with great relish, not as a checklist or learning point.

I didn’t actually plan for a silent retreat, but ‘silence’ signs are everywhere, and so I kept silent, ate in silence, and even kept conversations to a minimum with the one other retreatant. Thankfully, we were the ones through the whole period, in the big compound, giving me more personal space to connect with Him. Being in silence had quietened my heart and mind to hear from God. One big takeaway from the retreat – I had too much noise in my life, such as social media, podcasts, and TV shows. The overstimulation of my mind had caused it to go on mental overdrive.

I didn’t think God had spoken so much to me over the retreat, because there seems to be only one overarching theme – that is to surrender to Him. It was only until I came back home, I realised there were so many downloads from God that I think I will need a few days to digest before I can share my insights with anyone.

In our final session, Sr Marilyn directed me to this list of surrender to pray and meditate. May it bless you too:

Prayer of Surrender

(trans. from “Wie Wir Beten”)

I surrender myself to You, Lord and ask You:
Put an end to my restlessness.

I give You my will.
I do not believe any longer that I can answer myself. What I am doing, and what is happening through me. Lead me and show me Your will.

I give You my thoughts.
I do not believe any longer that I am so intelligent that I can understand myself. My whole life or other people teach me to think Your thoughts.

I give You my plans.
I do not believe any longer that my life finds meaning in what I reach through my plans. I entrust myself to Your plan for You know me.

My anxiety about others I give to You.
I do not believe any longer that with my anxiety I can improve anything. That remains with You. Why should I be anxious?

My anxiety about the power of others I give to You.
You were poweless before the mighty. The mighty have fallen. You live.

My fear of my own failures I give to You.
I do not have to be a successful person if I wish to be blessed according to Your will. All insoluble questions, all discontent with myself, all my cramped hopes I give to You. I give up running into locked doors and wait for You. You will open them.

I give You myself.
I belong to You, Lord, You LOVE me. You have me in Your hand. I thank You.

A retreat can draw us nearer to God amid our busyness and anxieties. In the gold and glitter of our world, it could also be a good place to ground us back into what truly matters. Is it time for a retreat? 

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